Thursday 6th June 2013

As a verger I am fortunate to be blessed with a cassock that has many pockets of great deepness. But an empty pocket is like an empty wallet, so I keep mine well-stocked...

A pen: To enhance Dave Walker cartoons (affixed to sundry walls and other surfaces) with the likeness of The Dean.

Beta Blockers: In case the sermon is too exciting (or to mitigate against apoplexy).

Domperidone: In case the sermon is nauseating.

Paper tissues: In case the sermon bores me to tears induces the gift of tears.

Today’s order of service (studied intently and at regular intervals): To give the Precentor the impression that I know what I’m doing, lest he become anxious and require some of the aforementioned beta blockers.

Old orders of service: In case I’m hit by a sudden wave of nostalgia.

An MI5-style radio earpiece: In case I need to communicate with God (i.e. the Head Porter) without raising the suspicions of the audience congregation.

A key: To give a self-gratifying impression of power.

Name badge and lanyard: Another mechanism for self-aggrandisement (especially the lanyard). The badge pin also comes in handy to deter would-be assailants.

Prayer beads: For those long hours of idleness, to give the impression that I am at least doing something.

Basic medical equipment (plasters, latex gloves, CPR face mask): For when it all gets a bit much and someone needs to resuscitate the poor, overworked relief verger (i.e. me).

Coins: In case one of the stewards forgets who I am and passes the collection bowl in my direction with a menacing stare.

Fluff: Largely provided as ballast.

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Wednesday 21st November 2012